by Rev. Shakes Spear
“Ladies and gentlemen I don’t want to get weird on this so please take it for what it’s worth,” said America’s Kookiest Televangelist, Pat Robertson, when referring to the earthquake that shook Washington, DC last week, “but it seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America’s power, it has been the symbol of our great nation, we look at that monument and say this is one nation under God. Now there’s a crack in it. Is that a sign from the Lord? Is that something that has significance or is it just result of an earthquake? You judge, but I just want to bring that to your attention.”
Well, thanks Pat. Let me take that under consideration for a…oh, wait. Here comes Michele Bachmann with her take on what the all-loving Creator was talking about , “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians,” the migraine-ridden Politivangelist mused. “We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending.” Hmmmm….
So, it’s pretty obvious that God is really, super-duper trying to get our attention and give us a message – and he’s going to use death and destruction to spread it. But what is that message?
According to Pat, the Washington monument is a symbol of a ‘nation under God,’ but he doesn’t seem to understand that giant, stone obelisks have historically been an altar of heathen worship. Apparently, he’s never come across the fact that obelisks are phallic symbols related to the worship of the Egyptian Sun god, Ra. Nor does seem to know that each side of the Washington Monument’s base measure 55.5 feet long, which add up the very Satanic total of 666 inches. The height of the obelisk is 555.5 feet, which is equal to 6,666 inches – and that, my friends, is an extra Satanic number. And, of course, Mr. Robertson can’t possibly know that Washington, DC’s entire geographic layout is based on Masonic symbology.
I would think that a man who has spent his life presumably studying religion, spirituality, Satan, cults and the like would have at some point discovered what everybody knows: Masonry is regarded by all Christ-based religions as absolutely Anti-Christ. In fact, the Roman Catholic Church’s stance on Masonry decries, “Those who knowingly embrace such [Masonic] principles are committing serious sin.” But poor Pat is obliviously unaware of the meaning behind his beloved Mighty White Penis of Power.
If he did understand it’s meaning, one would assume that Pat Roberstson would read the cracking of the Washington Monument entirely differently. He should be happy, thrilled even, that God has had enough of the sun and phallic-worshipping, power-hungry, political prostitutes that are destroying our country on the false premise of a nation under God. Shouldn’t this be a sign for Pat that God is sick of the greed and lust of supposed ‘family values’ politicians that strive to put money and business before people and Country – the politicians that he has been promoting for the last 30 years? Or does he secretly know and fully understand – and thus fear – that God is telling Pat and other pseudo-religious, fear-mongering leaders that their corruption is slowly being exposed for what it is: the work of Evil. The breaking of ‘America’s Cock’ is indeed a symbol, but not the one that Pat Robertson would have you believe.
As for Migraine Michelle…well, her interpretation is clearly a sign that God is a Republican and he does NOT like black men (especially Democratic ones) in power. She knows what the always-politically-involved God was telling us by wreaking havoc and mayhem upon the people. Not you. You’re too dumb to figure it out. Just shut up and leave it to a real Christian to explain God’s mysteries.
It’s strange that Michele Bachmann is the true seer of God’s wrath – and that she has determined that His message is somehow political. Quite fortunately for her, the Big Man just so happens to be on HER side. Coincidental? I don’t think so. It’s abundantly clear that God’s causing of earthquakes and hurricanes directly correlates to the Barack Obama administration’s gross overspending on useless domestic social programs. Duh. God doesn’t want people to have health care, an education, clean air, food, shelter, clothing, water or any of those non-essential things that foster human life. God says, “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, you lazy bastards. Look at me. I did it!” And Michele agrees.
It’s pretty clear that as a Christian and official interpreter for God, she understands that when Jesus said to “clothe the poor and feed the hungry,” what He meant was “clothe the poorly-dressed rich people and feed the power-hungry rich people.” Matthew 6:24 states “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and Money.” Wrong again, God. Michele Bachmann CAN do both and still call herself a Good Christian. That’s the true beauty of a hypocrite.
By Bachmann’s reasoning, these messages from Our Heavenly Father have NOTHING to do with Global Warming, greenhouse gasses, fracking, offshore drilling, nuclear power plants exploding and burning into the core of the planet, strip mining, unrestrained burning of fossil fuels, deforestation or any other of those so-called ‘facts’ made up by tree-huggin’, Communist/Marxist/Maoist, dope smokin’ hippies. Nope. Gods message was ALL about government spending. Plain and simple. Any fool can see that. And the fool that sees that best is Michele Bachmann.
So, with this new information from God, it’s divinely obvious that we, the roaring people, should elect Michele Bachmann to the Presidency of the United States of America. She will cut government spending (and win the war on terror and lower gas prices) and then God will be all cool, laid back and friendly with us again. I think it’s safe to say that if Michele Bachmann gets into prime political power, we can expect clear, blue skies and balmy days and nights from now until the end of time – which won’t be far off with a paranoid, homo-hating, Muslim-fearing, radical, fundamentalist Christian with her finger on the button…waiting for the next message from God.
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Sick of Christ? Yeah, me too.
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