This whole Jesus rap is getting old. Jesus will do this and Jesus will love that, and Jesus is the reason for the season, and Jesus forgives you for being human, and Jesus loves you and blah, blah, blah.

Jesus was a man, not an idol – but apparently Christians don’t realize that because they worship this son of a whore like he’s goddamn Elvis. I’m so fucking sick of Christians using Jesus as fucking crutch; an excuse for not thinking shit through and being responsible for the consequences of their actions.

These fucking Christian hypocrites are destroying mankind and taking nature with it. “Well, sure I stabbed and killed a guy, but I have found Jesus, so I’m all cool now.” “Well…yeah, I’m a rapist, but I go to church and Jesus will forgive me, so I can pretend that I’m really a good guy. Jesus says so.” “Jesus told me to drop bombs on Iraq – so, I gotta do it! See, me and Jesus had a talk and he said it was OK – and he is my Lord and Savior. Who am I to against the word of God?” What the fuck is this shit about?! Can anyone tell me? Does Jesus really look past all of mankind’s sins and transgressions against this beautiful planet and it’s inhabitants just because you ask him to?! Deep down in your heart you feel bad, so it’s OK now that you have annihilated fragile lives, innocent souls, and pristine ecosystems? You still get an eternal reward of everlasting life because you ask a figment of your imagination? Because you buy into the mass hysteria? Just because you ask for forgiveness and ‘accept’ Christ in your heart? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking retarded?

Who the fuck really thinks like this? You gotta be crazy, brainwashed, or whacked the fuck out of your head on pills and prayers to believe in any of this goddamn nonsense. Motherfuck! I seriously hate Christianity.

This shirt is real simple. No Christ. That’s it.

If you don’t believe in fairy tales and you understand that you and only you are responsible for your actions and the consequences that follow, then this shirt is for you. If you enjoy the incredible freedom and joy and that comes from thinking for yourself and fulfilling your desires in guilt-free ways, then you might find yourself proudly displaying the UCLB No Christ logo.

The UCLB No Christ Logo shirt is perfect for Atheists, Free-Thinkers, Non-Theists, Existentialists and anyone else who has had enough of the overwhelmingly superstitious mentally, psychologically, socially & emotionally retarded followers of Christ who are hell-bent on destroying you, your planet and your existence.

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Ever notice that Jesus NEVER looks you right in the eye? Yep, he’s checking out those sweet titties of yours. Don’t be fooled by his smooth words and his supposed ‘connections’ that he’s always bragging about. He just want to ‘come unto’ your delicious tits and hit the road. He’ll say he has some important work to do, but he’s just off to save another sinner with his special ‘anointing.’

It’s a big joke between Jesus and his friends that his specialty is ‘parting the C’s.’ He really is a perv – don’t trust him.

Get your Jesus Loves Me, But Only For My Tits shirt today!

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Deep down, everyone is anti-god but they just don’t realize it. Nobody really likes to be threatened with death for doing what is natural, but those fucking assholes who profit from your fear will never reveal the truth to you: God is not real.

It’s pretty simple, but a lot of people are even afraid to think this thought. So sad. Don’t be afraid, it’s ok to speak your mind – especially against outright fraud and fakery.

Get your Anti-God shirt today – you’ll be glad you did.

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“Ladies and gentlemen I don’t want to get weird on this so please take it for what it’s worth,” said America’s Kookiest Televangelist, Pat Robertson, when referring to the earthquake that shook Washington, DC last week, “but it seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America’s power, it has been the symbol of our great nation, we look at that monument and say this is one nation under God. Now there’s a crack in it. Is that a sign from the Lord? Is that something that has significance or is it just result of an earthquake? You judge, but I just want to bring that to your attention.”

Well, thanks Pat. Let me take that under consideration for a…oh, wait. Here comes Michele Bachmann with her take on what the all-loving Creator was talking about , “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians,” the migraine-ridden Politivangelist mused. “We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending.” Hmmmm….

So, it’s pretty obvious that God is really, super-duper trying to get our attention and give us a message – and he’s going to use death and destruction to spread it. But what is that message?

According to Pat, the Washington monument is a symbol of a ‘nation under God,’ but he doesn’t seem to understand that giant, stone obelisks have historically been an altar of heathen worship. Apparently, he’s never come across the fact that obelisks are phallic symbols related to the worship of the Egyptian Sun god, Ra. Nor does seem to know that each side of the Washington Monument’s base measure 55.5 feet long, which add up the very Satanic total of 666 inches. The height of the obelisk is 555.5 feet, which is equal to 6,666 inches – and that, my friends, is an extra Satanic number. And, of course, Mr. Robertson can’t possibly know that Washington, DC’s entire geographic layout is based on Masonic symbology.

I would think that a man who has spent his life presumably studying religion, spirituality, Satan, cults and the like would have at some point discovered what everybody knows: Masonry is regarded by all Christ-based religions as absolutely Anti-Christ. In fact, the Roman Catholic Church’s stance on Masonry decries, “Those who knowingly embrace such [Masonic] principles are committing serious sin.” But poor Pat is obliviously unaware of the meaning behind his beloved Mighty White Penis of Power.

If he did understand it’s meaning, one would assume that Pat Roberstson would read the cracking of the Washington Monument entirely differently. He should be happy, thrilled even, that God has had enough of the sun and phallic-worshipping, power-hungry, political prostitutes that are destroying our country on the false premise of a nation under God. Shouldn’t this be a sign for Pat that God is sick of the greed and lust of supposed ‘family values’ politicians that strive to put money and business before people and Country – the politicians that he has been promoting for the last 30 years? Or does he secretly know and fully understand – and thus fear – that God is telling Pat and other pseudo-religious, fear-mongering leaders that their corruption is slowly being exposed for what it is: the work of Evil. The breaking of ‘America’s Cock’ is indeed a symbol, but not the one that Pat Robertson would have you believe.

As for Migraine Michelle…well, her interpretation is clearly a sign that God is a Republican and he does NOT like black men (especially Democratic ones) in power. She knows what the always-politically-involved God was telling us by wreaking havoc and mayhem upon the people. Not you. You’re too dumb to figure it out. Just shut up and leave it to a real Christian to explain God’s mysteries.

It’s strange that Michele Bachmann is the true seer of God’s wrath – and that she has determined that His message is somehow political. Quite fortunately for her, the Big Man just so happens to be on HER side. Coincidental? I don’t think so. It’s abundantly clear that God’s causing of earthquakes and hurricanes directly correlates to the Barack Obama administration’s gross overspending on useless domestic social programs. Duh. God doesn’t want people to have health care, an education, clean air, food, shelter, clothing, water or any of those non-essential things that foster human life. God says, “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, you lazy bastards. Look at me. I did it!” And Michele agrees.

It’s pretty clear that as a Christian and official interpreter for God, she understands that when Jesus said to “clothe the poor and feed the hungry,” what He meant was “clothe the poorly-dressed rich people and feed the power-hungry rich people.” Matthew 6:24 states “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and Money.” Wrong again, God. Michele Bachmann CAN do both and still call herself a Good Christian. That’s the true beauty of a hypocrite.

By Bachmann’s reasoning, these messages from Our Heavenly Father have NOTHING to do with Global Warming, greenhouse gasses, fracking, offshore drilling, nuclear power plants exploding and burning into the core of the planet, strip mining, unrestrained burning of fossil fuels, deforestation or any other of those so-called ‘facts’ made up by tree-huggin’, Communist/Marxist/Maoist, dope smokin’ hippies. Nope. Gods message was ALL about government spending. Plain and simple. Any fool can see that. And the fool that sees that best is Michele Bachmann.

So, with this new information from God, it’s divinely obvious that we, the roaring people, should elect Michele Bachmann to the Presidency of the United States of America. She will cut government spending (and win the war on terror and lower gas prices) and then God will be all cool, laid back and friendly with us again. I think it’s safe to say that if Michele Bachmann gets into prime political power, we can expect clear, blue skies and balmy days and nights from now until the end of time – which won’t be far off with a paranoid, homo-hating, Muslim-fearing, radical, fundamentalist Christian with her finger on the button…waiting for the next message from God.

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Obviously, you ain’t no Christ. You are a disgusting pig because you just keep on sinnin’ and sinnin’. Sure, you ask for forgiveness but you just keep committing your sins over and over again, don’t you?

Don’t you think God gets tired of forgiving your undisciplined ass every couple of days. Goddamn, give the guy a break already. Just come out as a Sinner and stop crying for your sky daddy to clean your ugly soul up.

Time to stop hiding behind your bible (as if that’s even gonna help you at all) and realize you are just a mere, dirt-bound chunk of flesh and you have real needs and desires. It’s ok. There are plenty of Sinners around – just few that will actually admit it. It’s much easier to be a hypocrite (just ask your local priest), but it’s a lot more fun to live the ‘life of Sin’ – or as Atheists call it ‘life’.

Get your Sinner shirt from UCLB now and let the world know what you’re up to.

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Why in the world would any good Christian not want to celebrate these misguided souls with livin’ it up now? Come on, if it’s true that God will forgive us ANY past regressions, then should we not regress? I think we should. How can you really understand sin unless you experience it first-hand?

This is an excellent way to show that you understand what Jesus was trying to do, but at the same time you want to capitalize on his generosity.

This Jesus Died For Our Sins – Let’s Fuck shirt is a great way to be a good Christian and come on to all the other sexy sinners around you. Get one today!

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We ALL know that sex out of wed-lock is a mortal sin and you are breaking God’s laws! You are a Filthy Whore! That’s right. You and EVERYONE else in the world are going to Hell for touching your pink parts to other pink parts with permission from JC. Shame on you all.

Since it’s too late to take back your fucking, and you know damn well that even if you ask for forgiveness, you’re just going to do it again when that nasty, pink part of yours gets all tingly again. You might as well just confess your sins to the world with this bold, blunt label: Filthy Whore.

You make me and God and Baby Jesus sick! You are a disgrace to everything we stand for! Nature never intended for you to feel good about your self, and you should ignore all those nerve-endings and sensations that – for some stupid reason – God gave you. Sure, touching your pink parts FEELS great, but you should only feel those sensations with your God-approved spouse  – and NOT for pleasure! Just to make more dumb Christians.

You’re lack of respect for Jesus and your love of feeling good make you the perfect candidate for owning this fabulous shirt. Get your Filthy Whore shirt today and start fucking even harder tomorrow.

More Filthy Whore products here!

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I used to think that there were monsters under my bed. Mom said that was silly. Monsters aren’t real and why would they even be under my bed, anyway? At 5 years old, that kinda made sense and I tried to get over my fears of imaginary things. At the same time, I was going to Sunday school and being told that there WAS a ‘Loving Father’ in the sky and that I SHOULD believe in that. Kinda fucked up – especially for a 5 year-old. Add the monster called ‘The Devil’, who was also very real and waiting in Hell for me, to the mix and you have the makings for some real emotional chaos.

So, I eventually gave up believing in things that I couldn’t see, hear, feel or prove in any way. Monsters, Devils, Fairies, Gods and Messiahs all fell into that category. Call me crazy, but I just can’t buy into myths. Especially the cartoonish, buffoonery of Christianity and all of it’s goofy parables. I’d much rather read Aesop than the Bible. Aesop was a little easier to comprehend and he didn’t threaten me with death if I messed up.

This Jesus Is My Imaginary Friend shirt is a great way to let the world know that you understand the respect that Jesus deserves – none. Let’s call it for what it is: imaginary. Order this shirt today and offend a Christian tomorrow! You’ll be glad you did…

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To think this a-hole was working ‘miracles’ is as dumb as thinking Penn & Teller are ‘magic’. At least Penn & Teller tell you what’s up. They even show how it’s done – and even then you still kinda want to believe that it’s magic. Well, now imagine being an inbred, un-educated, hyper-sensitive zealot (you know, like the stupid, fucking Tea Party people) watching some hippie do some slight-of-hand. Very easy to dupe and convince them of all kinds of bullshit.

Anyway, Jesus gets waaaay too much credit. I’ve done as much cool stuff as this guy, but nobody was around to see it. There’s been plenty of times I’ve consumed a whole box of wine all by myself in a single night and woke up and went to work – that, my friends, is a miracle. Not to mention having no money, but managing to get an ounce of weed on the Heavenly precept of the ‘front’. Tell me that’s not the work of a Divine Spirit.

Yeah, yeah Jesus was a goody-two-sandals that gets to bask in the glory of dumb humanity, but I think I deserve to be worshiped for the cool things I can do. This Fuck Jesus, Worship Me Shirt is the perfect way to try to get some of sweet, voodoo love for yourself. Get one today and be a Messiah tomorrow.

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Eventhough Christians are supposed to fear no evil, it’s seems to me that that go out of their way looking for it. Maybe they just need something to get excited about since their religion doesn’t allow THEM to be evil, they can find evil in the world and enjoy it vicariously. Kinda sad.

The strange part of the concept of ‘Evil’ is that it changes depending on who’s administering it. When Good Christians drop bombs on babies and grandmas, somehow that’s NOT Evil. But when a poor native (read: insurgent)  flings some rocks at a tank, he is doing the work of an Evil religion.

Get this Evil shirt from UCLB and you can give the weak and fearful something to do. Really, you’ll be helping move Good Christians closer to their god – and further from you, which is what every non-believer wants.

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